A Beautiful Vulnerability: Why it’s Worth the Try

Wearing your heart on your sleeves, especially if you’re not used to doing so is never an easy process. How many times did you feel dreadful to tell a partner or parent how much you needed their support? Or maybe you avoided an issue with your S.O because you didn’t like to appear unlovable. Perhaps you bounced on a friend when their emotions felt too overwhelming. Either this fear or shame constitute core vulnerability, an emotional state that is terrifying to you in reaction to which you’ve developed strong defenses Steven Stosny, Ph.D., explains.

Stosny points out that there are two types of core vulnerability 1.) Fear of harm, deprivation or isolation 2.) Shame of failure or loss. People whose core vulnerability is fear will most likely risk shame if they have to, in order to prevent themselves from experiencing their fears; while those whose core vulnerability is shame, will risk harm, deprivation and isolation to at least avoid feeling like a failure.

No matter what your core vulnerability is, the fear of opening up is common and highly influenced by the early connections we had in our lives. Research published on International Journal of Psychological studies suggest that the more stable, predictable and loving relationships one had growing up, the lesser the concerns there will be in letting others in upon reaching adulthood.

Refusal to reveal your authentic self makes you put up a persona of likeability or even selfishness. Hiding what feelings underneath this façade may lead to walking a dark alley alone. As an article in singhealth.com.sg points out, keeping a tight lid on feelings will intensify such and may drive one to deep levels of depression. Here are realistic thoughts why vulnerability is worth the risk:

No one can emotionally hurt you without your consent

Say you always wanted to wear red swimsuit that feels like so you with that Baywatch babe feels, but you never had the nerve to pull it off until now. Then while you’re out soaking at the beach, someone approaches you and comments you look fat.

Even if we assume this is a rude person, she did not harm you. If she approached and told you your hair was on fire, you’d possibly laugh at it. But when she said you look fat, you feel hurt. Why? Because you have your own belief about the idea of fat and you associate it with feelings of unworthiness. But this gal was just holding up a mirror that reflects your system of beliefs.

She gave you a reminder that you equate “fat” with “unworthiness” and you hurt yourself by thinking just that. You wound your feelings by believing that fat means you don’t deserve to wear that red swimsuit. Ever.

Vulnerability is a key to connect with yourself and your relationships

When you allow and accept yourself to be vulnerable, fail, make mistakes and have imperfections, you connect with yourself. It opens the way for you to grow, transform and heal for the better.

The people in your closest relationships exist because you allowed them to see the real you. When you hide or pretend to be likeable, you cut people off from the authentic you. You become invisible to your own tribe.

You reject yourself before anyone has

When you avoid being vulnerable to avoid rejection in the end, remember that you have rejected yourself first before anyone did. And this sound like “I would really love to audition for that singing contest, but I think others are better singers than me so I’ll just pass at it.”

That thing right there is the rejection you hand to yourself. You seek to protect yourself from the idea of rejection and yet you pull the trigger to your own.